When Fashion Tries to Fuck You

This poor girl has no idea she looks like shit. That's because when draped cardigans took off, no one told her handkerchief hems on a black ribbed cardigan make you look like a witch's vagina.

There are times when fashion can be your best friend. But then there are times when maybe your best friend has had too much to drink, and he tries to fuck you. Here are a few things to look out for when navigating some highly prevalent trends right now.

Let's get this over with. I'm all for slouchy tops, but this upside down U-shaped hem is like adding 15 pounds straight to your ass. It's not scientific, but Albert Einstein would probably speculate the "wings" on each side give the illusion of wider hips; thus making the ass 2 weeks of Chipotle bigger. To avoid the dreaded pear shape, aim for a straighter hem, or even one that ducktails in the back.

What the fuck is this chick so happy about? This racerback tank by Trina Turk is a perfect example of fashion trying to fuck you. Somehow, Trina Turk found a way to incorporate leopard print, the uber trendy bandeau, and white lace all in one hideous witch's brew. If you insist on wearing white lace, wear a flesh-colored bandeau or black bra. Just remember: white on white is the fashion equivalent of AIDS.

And same logics applies here. In fact, this brings me to a larger grievance. Since the popularity of the lace/sheer/draped racerback, it seems like I've seen more bra straps than a European tourist at Disney Land. Invest in a bandeau, people, or get a racerback bra. Or wear a jacket. There ARE solutions. I swear to God, if I catch you wearing a regular bra with a racerback tank, be prepared to get punched in the titty.

I know I sung the praises of a very similar sweater a few weeks ago, but this knockoff shredded sweater is a piece of shit. Manufactured by a brand called "Material Girl" at Macy's (where fashion trends go to die), this lazy, ill-fitting, and totally awkward reproduction seems to think some anarchy should come with a fitted white camisole. I mean, who the hell styled this? You show me a cool, avant guarde trend circulating the independent Los Angeles scene, and I'll show you a watered down, corporate, and completely antithetical knock off: that's the magic of Macy's. ©

Nautical stripes are a win! Over-sized, square construction is money! But cropped above-the-bellybutton tops are so, so, so not worth getting punched in the titty over. The fact is: unless you're wearing a cropped top with something high-waisted, you really should avoid this look. It's just uncouth and this is coming from somebody who condoned nipple blazing. Even this handsome lady with the flat stomach would look pretty unfortunate hunched over in a restaurant, creating a pooch by virtue of sitting. Don't do it.

-Sabrina London

Oh Dolly!

I'm not sure which part of the human psyche is responsible for grown women's desire to infantilize themselves by dressing like ENORMOUS BABIES. Rest assured, I'm totes on board.

Babydoll collars are the topic of discussion here. I never played with dollies growing up - thanks for nothing, gender roles. However, I have a strange fascination with these doll-inspired white collars.

Whether it's a Peter Pan collar or nautical inspired, I find them really quirky cute. It's very "Lolita" and who doesn't dream of seducing Jeremy Irons once in a while? (Okay, I'll be honest. I watched that movie on a horrible first date and I don't remember most of it, after 4 too many glasses of wine and a regrettable make-out session with Johnny Depp's 5'6" doppleganger).

What were we talking about?

Alameda Vintage

NoirOhio Vintage

xo,

Sabrina London

Sneak Peek: Store Update

Oh hey, good lookin'. Didn't see you there. Must have been too pre-occupied scoping out the latest vintage awesomeness at Alameda Vintage. Kinda funny, us bumping into each other like this. Almost like fate. Yeah.

Almost like fate.

All these dresses and more will be listed tonight so keep your eyes and wallets open.

xo,

Sabrina London

Animal Hats. Because Why Not?

As if further proof was needed that weird fashion starts in Japan, these creepy animal headpieces by Nagi Noda from 2008 have predicted the latest trend in America 2011: ANIMAL HATS.

First, a look back at the original inspiration.

Now process that through the American hipster filter, add a $139 price tag and here's what you get 3 years later:

Spirit Hoods

Yeah. Bitches be crazy.

-Sabrina London

Hot to Trot Vintage Dresses

Do yourself a favor and check out the FOUR PAGES of incredible vintage dresses at Meat Market Vintage. Here's a few of our favorite picks.

Meat Market Vintage

-Sabrina London

At The Mo

It's time to take inventory of the little things that comprise my life at the moment.

Right Now Midnight Snack: Pepperidge Farm Cinnamon Raisin toast. My grandma used to make this for us when we were kids. I just recently rediscovered it and I swear I've almost consumed an entire loaf in a week.

Right Now Book: "Loving John: The Untold Story" by May Pang. Perhaps the greatest pulp contribution to the Beatles Library of Congress, this memoir was written by John Lennon's mistress during his infamous "lost weekend" - an 18-month period of booze, sex, and general disfunction. There's a chapter where John gets drunk and accuses May of flirting with David Cassidy, then proceeds to flip out. I can't put this one down.

Right Now Show: Season 2 of "Mad Men" on Blu-Ray. I'm always late to the party on television shows, but this one got me hooked. All that vintage!

Right Now Listen: The Savage Lovecast by Dan Savage. Seriously, I've replaced music with sex advice while I model for the store.

Right Now Hair Ambition: I'm growing it out and keeping the Bettie Paige bangs. It's been a while since I've had long hair, but it's getting there. Because I take pictures every week for Alameda, you can gradually see my hair grow in real-time.

Right Now Purchase: These sequin pants. So insane cute.

Right Now Comfort Clothing: My husband's Myspace hoodie. It's made by American Apparel, and it's so endlessly soft.

Right Now Hang Out: UCB Theater, watching improv comedy. As a writer and total geek, it's become one of my favorite places in Hollywood. The talent there is AMAZING and truly the next generation of comedy. It's so inspiring.

Right Now Movies: "Blue Valentine." Seriously. Phenomenal. Also adored "Black Swan" and "Somewhere" and can't wait for "Social Network" on Blu-Ray. I think that maxes out my indie cred.

Right Now Writing Project: My husband and I finished our third screenplay together, which we got an early nibble on from a producer whose grandfather has a theater named after him on the Fox lot. Fingers crossed, but you know how these things go. In the meanwhile, we're going to polish all 3 of our scripts to enter in competitions this year. Then, we'll embark on the great Query-Letter-a-Thon.

Right Now Fashion Tip: Socks with stilettos. You heard it here first.

Yours,

Sabrina London

A Very Hipster Christmas